I was visiting University College Dublin last year to meet a friend of mine. I was waiting for her in the arts building when I noticed a huge display of photographs along the wall of a corridor. On further investigation I discovered that the photos were the result of an event that had recently been held by the college feminist society. Participants were invited to make signs telling why they needed feminism and hold them up to be photographed. Photos from similar events had also been sent in from feminists in other parts of the world.
What puzzled me, apart from the sheer childless pointlessness of the event itself, was the mind-boggling stupidity of the declarations themselves. Feminists once again prove that they have absolutely no sense of reality, truth or even self-respect.
So here is my take on why “I need feminism.”
1) I need feminism because I know that men are pigs, and I hate sexism.
2) I need feminism because it teaches me that what I do with my body is my choice, but not my responsibility.
3) I need feminism because I am chronically insecure and I have no sense of humour.
4) I need feminism because it helps protect me from my crippling prudishness and my morbid fear of human sexuality.
5) I need feminism so that when someone says something nasty to me, I can make silly placards and blubber like a pathetic victim instead of standing up for myself.
6) I need feminism so that I can bury my neurosis in smug conceit, by stereotyping men as evil misogynist brutes.
7) I need feminism to help me convince myself that applying negative, degrading stereotypes to men is not sexist.
8) I need feminism so that I can complain loudly about violence against women while laughing heartily at violence against men.
9) I need feminism so that I can scream “creep” at any man who approaches me, while wondering why I am still single and where all the good men have gone.
10) I need feminism to help me blame all of my own weaknesses and failings on the patriarchy.
11) I need feminism because nobody has the right to tell me I look pretty.
12) I need feminism because nobody ever compliments me.
13) I need feminism because I have the right to spend hours in front of the mirror making myself as sexually attractive as possible, but then expect men not to look at me in a sexualised way.
14) I need feminism because I know that only rich, tall, handsome men have the right to be sexually attracted to me.
15) I need feminism because I have the right never to be exposed to anything that offends my delicate sensibilities – But I am an empowered woman.
16) I need feminism because I believe that men should be forced to be attracted to unfeminine women too.
17) I need feminism because I should be paid the same as a man who is more experienced and works longer hours than me.
18) I need feminism because I haven’t had sex in years.
19) I need feminism because it allows me to convince myself that parroting off a lot of mindless, unsubstantiated nonsense that I learned in gender studies, makes me sound like an intelligent, educated person.
20) I need feminism to help me convince myself that there is nothing that men can do better than women, while demanding that the playing-field be artificially tilted in my favour so that I can compete.
21) I need feminism because all my male colleagues should have to walk around on eggshells for fear of saying something that offends me.
22) I need feminism so that I can boast that I am an empowered, independent woman, while stamping my feet and whining like a baby every-time anyone says anything “inappropriate.”
23) I need feminism because it allows me to believe that men are responsible for their actions even if they are drunk, but women are not responsible for theirs.
24) I need feminism because it teaches me that it is empowering to be reduced to a simpering baby if I hear a sexist joke.
25) I need feminism because it allows me to laugh at all the “stupid man” tropes on the TV while angrily bemoaning “sexist stereotypes” of women.
26) I need feminism so I can feel good about receiving state hand-outs for bringing babies into the world that I cannot support.
27) I need feminism because free-speech is over-rated.
28) I need feminism because it allows me to enjoy being pandered to by weak, fawning male feminists, while I’m waiting for a proper man to come along and sweep me off my feet.
29) I need feminism because it allows me to bristle with self-righteousness when I see an advertisement portraying a woman in a bikini, but remain completely blind to the one which shows an oiled up beefcake wearing only a tiny pair of briefs and a fire helmet.
30) I need feminism because I deserve to be cosseted, pampered, given special privileges and protected from anything that might upset me, and all because I have a vagina.
31) I need feminism because playing the victim is much easier than being the “empowered” woman that I claim to be.
32) I need feminism because I am a weak, pathetic, insecure, talentless, whiny, neurotic, coward who is afraid to stand on her own two feet and take ownership of her own life-choices.